Monday, December 19, 2011

One Month Past

Today Gareth is 20 months old - so close to two but still so much a baby.  I must admit, when anticipating Gareth's birth and listening to all of the well intentioned advice from friends and family, I fell for that line that every parent hears before their first child is born:

"My son/daughter/niece/cousin started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks!"

Well, let me tell you, my baby did NOT start sleeping through the night at 6 weeks.  Or 16 weeks.  Or 16 months.  He is STILL not sleeping through the night, though intermittently he will clock in a solid 9 hours of sleep without waking.  I'd gotten used to his sleepless nature because I had a partner to take shifts with.  When I couldn't get Gareth to go down at night, I would pass him off to Cliff and take a breather on the couch.  When Cliff had suffered with Gareth for over an hour in the middle of the night, I would slap in and do my best to calm the wild beast.  But Gareth and I are the only foes who meet at bedtime.  Night, after night, after night.

Today marks a month since Cliff was sentenced and began his long stay in jail.  A month of me discovering all the things I would have to do alone.  Like cooking all the meals.  ALL of them.  And remembering to take the trash out every Friday.  EVERY FRIDAY.  And doing all the shopping, and the bill paying, and the yard work, and, and, and....

But somehow, getting Gareth to sleep is the most difficult task that I have to do alone.  And not just because I'm emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted.  But also because he has started to ask for Cliff at night - "mommy did it, mommy did it, mommy did it..."  Last night I finally figured out what he was saying.  "Gareth, do you want daddy to come in here to put you to sleep?"  ::nod::  "mommy did it."

He's right.  "mommy" (Gareth's name for Cliff) was always the best at putting him to sleep at night.  When I had done my best and Gareth was still struggling against sleep, Cliff could take him to bed and work some kind of daddy-magic and Gareth would go down within 20 minutes.  When this Mommy couldn't do it, "mommy did it."  But thats not an option anymore.

"I'm sorry Gareth, daddy isn't here."

Oh my boy, I know how you feel.

So we're one month out into this new life, this normal that I hate so much.  We're one month in and still I just can't bear the thought that I have years of months left, seemingly countless Januarys, Februarys, Junes, Octobers and more.  Years of Christmases and New Years and Valentines Days and our Wedding Anniversary, all without him, all alone, all having to explain...

"I'm sorry Gareth, daddy isn't here."

"I'm sorry, I guess you haven't heard."

"I'm sorry...."

He isn't here.

One month has past.

And he isn't here.

1 comment:

Ashley said...

I think I am going backwards in reading but again I have been where you are and that time could very possibly come again. My husband had to complete a comparitively short sentance than what he should have and probably deserved to serve (6 months vs. the 10 years the crime carried with his repeated background) when my daughter was very young. I too had to do it all, ALL alone. Now he has been out and was on a great Godly path for a few short years, but has been slipping back to that lifestyle again and all I can do is pray! My point in this is I am seeing your stregth is giving me the strngth to carry on! Again thank you for your words though I am a few years behind.