I've been watching a YouTube series called the Lizzie Bennet Diaries (go here, I dare you), which is an adaptation of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice as told through video-blogging. I was surprised by how much I've loved it, especially considering how much I DIDN'T like the book. Admittedly, I didn't catch the fact that the book was satirizing social conventions of the time period and was subversively feminist, but I walked away from the read convinced that Mr. Bennet was the only character of any worth. This put me at odds with...most of the known universe, as P&P is considered a classic of literature and a love story for the ages. But several weeks before Christmas, on a Friday off, I found Lizzie Bennet and watched her videos for 6 hours straight. Seriously.
The series is coming to an end this Thursday (WAAAAH!) but last week was "Darcy-Day" when Lizzie and Darcy finally admit their love for one another and kissed. It was passionate and lovely and I watched the video more than once. I even texted my mom "DID YOU SEE THE NEW VIDEO?" because I wanted to share my glee with someone. And as I'm wont to do, I promptly started to over-analyze my feelings for the show and the penultimate video. Of course, it's satisfying to see things turn out "happily-ever-after," even if its for fictional people. And yes, Darcy was a "good actor" (translation - SOOO CUTE!), so watching a cute guy week after week has its perks. But then I started to consider - am I watching this episode on repeat for some other reason? Like, perchance, that I miss this kind of lovey-dovey-intimacy and enjoy participating in a moment infused with that kind of feeling (however removed)?
My 6 year wedding anniversary is coming up in June and I am confused about these wistful feelings that I find myself bombarded by. As a natural consequence of time gone by, would I still feel these yearnings for new romance and heated first-kisses if Cliff WASN'T in prison? (You know, like the "7-Year-Itch.") Or are these yearnings a consequence of my long-and-despised sexual dormancy caused by Cliff's imprisonment? I don't know if I'm supposed to take these feelings in stride as a natural, biological response or if I should be examining them more closely for implicit meanings or movements of the heart. I have no answer for this yet, but I do know that when I watched the video for the first time I turned my head away when Darcy and Lizzie kissed. It seemed too private to watch.
I thought, perhaps, that time would ease the pain of separation. I thought that privation would teach my body to quit yearning for touch. I thought that focus would prevent me from breathless longing. But time has healed none of these open wounds. Fortunately, however, I have learned to let the love, passion and tenderness of others (like Darcy and Lizzie) to be a balm to my wounds instead of astringent. Just for a moment, I can rest in the bliss of love and not hurt. That's something I'd guess; only a year ago, the joy of others was a stab in my blistered heart. I'll give thanks, then, for the tools that time does provide me with - I'll take perspective even if I still would prefer healing.
On an unrelated note, does anybody own the Pride and Prejudice mini-series? I've got a....friend....who's interested.