Wednesday, November 13, 2013

The Edge of Trust

I've been staying in generously donated housing for the last 10 weeks.  It's a one bed, one bath bungalow and it's been tight quarters for me, the boy and the dog, but it's been a blessing.  It's a furnished place so when I moved down at the beginning of September, I only brought office books, clothing and a box of toys for Gareth.  Sparse living, I miss all of my books, and I really miss the privacy of my own room (and my own bed!), but I can't complain.

Except the people who own the place need the house back (which I totally expected and I'm not complaining about!) and now I find myself in the position of hurrying to find housing (I've got a walk through of a place scheduled for Friday) on an island still in recovery from a hurricane.  After Ike slammed into the island, one of the aspects of life that never really recovered was affordable housing (for rent or to buy).  So there are lots of little houses and apartments that you can rent, but in my price range?  They may be in the less.. safe parts of the city.  And as a single woman with a small child, safety is one of those prime considerations.  But that's not even the part that has me really concerned.

My house is still on the market.  STILL.  I even opened it up to renting at the end of September and it is STILL on the market.  And I have absolutely NO idea how I'm going to be able to afford a mortgage payment and a rent payment.  It's going to eat up close to half of my monthly pay, with G's childcare taking up most of another week of pay and that leaves me with a very tiny pile out of which to pay for groceries and gas and the utilities from the old house AND the utilities from the new.  Color me anxious.

My prayer life is a bit frantic lately.  (Key words: please, help, and how?!)  I'm at my own edge here - there's nothing I can do and it's horrible.  I can't MAKE anyone rent or buy the place.  I have to trust my realtor to actually do his job despite the fact that I have no way of verifying that he does (what with the fact that I'm hundreds of miles away).  I can tighten my belt and live VERY sparsely, giving every dollar (and cent) a name.  But I still am out of control of the situation and I hate being out of control.  It is very tempting to turn my gaze towards the heavens and say "God? HELP ME! What are you doing?"

Which I know is petulant.  Because obviously God has been present and helpful in my life for a long time.  I mean, I'm here aren't I?  Serving in a church in a place that I really like with a son who is funny and smart, and I'm on my way to a new life.  But apparently, the edge of my trust in God is housing, because right now I feel like one of those grumbly Israelites in the deserts after they escaped from Egypt.  "Yeah yeah Moses.  Manna from the sky - great.  What has God done for us LATELY?!"

I'm trying to breathe through the anxiety and trust that God will care for me in the midst of paying for two houses.  I'm trying so hard to believe that God's providence stretches beyond this vocational position and into all aspects of my life.  I'm trying not to let panic take over, so I'm spreadsheet-ing like a madwoman and trying to do all the math to stay afloat during this especially lean time.  I'm trying y'all, but I'm still pretty scared.  And angry that I'm still tied to Waco despite my efforts to leave it all behind.  

Pray for me, my friends?  Pray that I would rest in God's care no matter what happens; that I would stretch the edges of my trust in God beyond the yard of my house.  Pray that very soon someone would find my house and just HAVE To buy it - or rent it.  Pray that I would manage our finances with a deft hand so that we don't have to go without.  Just pray, yes?

1 comment:

Sarina said...

The sell of your house is added to my prayer list. I know that must be so difficult potentially supporting two places at once. May the right people find your home a blessing and buy quickly! May the Lord bring you to just the right place for warmth, safety and rest.