Aggressively Decorated

One of the consequences of celebrating Thanksgiving early was that I was ready to start listening to Christmas music in mid-November.  Also, it took every inch of self-control I had to keep the Christmas decorations in their boxes until after Thanksgiving day.  On Saturday night, though, I put up everything I had. The Christmas tree, the garlands, the wreaths, the candles, the table runners, all of it.  In fact, I decided that I didn't have enough stuff and took Gareth with me on Sunday afternoon to brave the bustling wilds of Target. I now have even more garlands, ribbons, tins, boxes, LED candles and other assorted decorations.  The only thing left to do is put the lights out on the outside of the house, but I don't know how to do that.  Cliff did it for me.  And then last year a kind man from church did it for me.  And now I'm looking resentfully at the box of lights in my back room and pondering how I'm going to get up on the roof without endangering my life. These lights MUST go up - it's NOT an option.  It's been quite a while since I felt so emphatically INSISTENT about something, but right now it is Christmas decorations.

DECK THE HALLS GUYS.  BE MERRY AND BRIGHT.  RIGHT NOW.

And for the first time, I'm not even feeling touchy about Christmas being "too secular" or even calling it Christmas instead of the liturgically appropriate Advent.  Reindeer? Sure! Snowmen? Awesome! I want it all, secular AND Sacred: Santa Claus and misfit toys and season's greetings and happy holidays and where does Hanukkah fit in and Salvation Army bell ringers and fake snow spray and baby jesus and live nativities and candlelit services and gaudy trees and homemade stockings and cheesy music and shopping and and and and....

Last Christmas was a blur.  My family was here and daddy was less and less able to eat because of the chemo and radiation and I was heavy in my fugue state and I was barely aware of anything except the fact that Gareth wouldn't sleep and it wasn't even that cold and why is everyone staring at me and and and.... And I couldn't enjoy it.  I couldn't see any of it or let the season slip into my frozen brain and so I know that I decorated the house but I don't remember it.  And now I'm suddenly the aggressive Christmas lady, and every day I'm tempted to buy a Christmas sweater or wear Christmas jewelry or buy 15 Poinsettias and artfully arrange them on my lawn.  I swear, I even considered buying one of those huge and terrible inflatable Christmas lawn decorations.  What is wrong with me?

You know how people talk about the "War on Christmas"? (BTW, that's not a real thing). Well right now, I'm waging a war on behalf of Christmas, but its a battle between me and my past.  The specter of last year's tragedy keeps threatening to bring me low and it almost did as I put ornaments up on the tree that said things like "Baby's First Christmas" (6 days after Cliff's arrest) or "Our First House" (that he no longer lives in) or "Our First Christmas" (who knew we'd only celebrate 4 together?).  Gareth unknowingly helped me from being floored by those unexpectedly painful ornaments - NO GARETH, DO NOT EAT THAT - but I was so MAD about losing this Christmas too.  So I'm aggressively celebrating, seemingly DARING my haunted past to try and take another holiday from me.

See THAT, grief? It's a BIG GLITTERY PAINTED SIGN THAT SAYS JOY!  Oh yeah, sadness? MY TABLE RUNNER HAS SANTA ON IT.  These hand-sewn Stockings ARE MY FOOT SOLDIERS OF HOLIDAY CHEER.  I'm in a battle with my memories and my weapons are baked goods and tinsel. Yes - I seem to have gone a little over the edge.

This Christmas is nothing like last year.  But also, it's nothing like any other Christmas I've had.  That seems to be the repeating refrain now - things are never, ever the same...

So this is Christmas

We ate a late lunch today - roast, mashed potatoes, green bean casseroles, cranberry sauce, french onion soup, rolls and two kinds of pie. It was quite an ordeal to put together, even with the help of the whole family. It was nice, though, to be busy and productive. And I was doing just fine until I hugged my father and he whispered "I love you."

Then I fell apart. I walked quickly to the kitchen to clean up (and escape the tears choking my throat) and the only thing I could think was "this day is terrible - my daddy has cancer and my husband is in jail."

This Christmas sucks.

In the last two days I have helped to lead three church services and sung countless carols extolling God. I have prayed, spoken, sung, pondered and given thanks for God's Advent into the world. But really, today still sucks.

Instead of rejoicing in a full house, I am brought low by Cliff's absence. Instead of commiserating over swollen bellies, I am fretting over my dad's dwindling appetite and his few painful bites of food. Instead of peace, I feel brokenness.

If there is a part of the Christmas story that I feel closest to right now, it is the slaughter of the holy innocents. My family has been ravaged and now we are struggling to find consolation in the aftermath. I don't feel the peace of God's presence. I don't feel the joy of angels or shepherds. I don't feel the awe of wisemen. I feel the desperate confusion of the mourning mothers and fathers of bethlehem - shocked at their ripping loss.

So this is Christmas - this year at least. About the only thing I DO have hope for is that 2012 and all it entails will be better than 2011. And that next Christmas I will feel the presence of Emmanuel.

But this year?

Not so much.

Another pregnant post - 24 weeks

So...

How were your holidays?

Mine were pregnant.

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It's so odd how something can suddenly consume your life.  The more pregnant I become (more pregnant? Is there a less pregnant? That can't be right...how about more visually pregnant?) the more my life changes.  Sleeping is different.   Eating is different.  Even sitting, standing and walking are different as my body makes room for this quickly growing little guy.  Future plans all have to revolve around how pregnant I will be or how young my son is at the time.  Discussions revolve around the baby - whether about how he's baking or how we'll care for him later.  And then there are my health issues...

But we'll get to those.

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This Christmas, my family went on down to Houston to visit the "Ohio Grashams" who had finally ended their sojourn in the north to return to the great state of Texas.  It was Cliff's first introduction to many of them and I think that he was overwhelmed a little.  You'd be overwhelmed too if you suddenly had to interact with and remember the names of 18 people.  This, of course, presented a great opportunity for a "pregnant" picture with Sarina, Arwen and I.  Sarina's due on April 28th, I'm due on April 30th and Arwen's due on May 8th.  Hooray!

I didn't get the memo about wearing a black & white patterned shirt.

In Houston, I also got a chance to hold my cousin Tanya's newest baby girl, Emily Ashlyn.  She was a little over 4 weeks at this point, a tiny precious baby girl.

The best part of meeting this little one was watching my dad hold her.  My dad is a really funny guy and all while he was holding her, he would have "conversations" with her...voicing both sides.  Emily was surprisingly articulate for her age.   It was neat to see a preview of what my father will be like as a grandfather - silly, funny and sweet.

Cliff and I journeyed back to Waco but then came BACK to Garland for a Grasham Family New Year's Tradition: The New Years Movie & Costume Party!  This year the movie was "Young Frankenstein" and we all dressed like characters from the film.

Cliff and my brother Eric were Igor (say: Eye-Gore)

My mother and I were Frau Blucher ::horse whinnies::

My father was the blind monk (played by Gene Hackman.  Who knew?)

And Arwen and Paul were Inga and Dr. Frankenstein (say: FrAnk-en-steen)

Next year's movie is Beauty and the Beast.  And Yes...it will be a sing-a-long.  I know, I know...my family is way more fun than yours.  That's just how the world works....don't beat yourself up about it.

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The week after New Years I had several doctor's appointments.

First - the Cardiologist.  Why you ask?  My heart has been...beating pretty fast lately.  Like...really fast.  Resting at over 100, usually in the 120's and right before New Years peaking at over 140.  Not great.  So my OB made me an appointment at Waco Cardiologist on the 5th (Cliff's 31st birthday).  They did another EKG on me, made an appointment for a heart ultrasound (echo-cardiogram?) the next day, and ordered me a heart monitor that I have to wear for the next month.  Whatever is going on with my ticker, they needed more data before making any decisions.

Second - the Ultrasound.  Odd to be getting an ultrasound and not seeing my baby.  My heart, though, is very interesting.  And apparently everything looked fine from that vantage, so that was a relief.

Third - the OB for my 24 week appointment.  I've finally gained some weight (I'd only gained 6 pounds from September 11th to December 4th and my Dr was starting to look at me sternly), I'm measuring exactly 24cm, all my pregnancy complaints are normal for my trimester and Baby Boy's heart rate was 144.  The doctor quipped that I was reading the baby book before I came so I would measure perfectly on everything.

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So what are we up to now?

Well...I guess all we can do now is get the nursery ready.  So of course, we haven't even started that yet.  ::shrugs shoulders:: it will get done.  Promise.  I'm having too much fun watching my belly to see our son move around.  He's a lot more active and it's nice to know he's there, even if it does freak Cliff out a little bit.

I'll post a new picture eventually....but for now, I'm off.

Any body have a great New Years?

So this is Advent...

"So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child.While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born,and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn."
Luke 2:4-7

"When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus." Matthew 1:24-25

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You know, I (Elizabeth) never really paid attention to the "Jesus being born" passages until this Advent.  I guess when you're not pregnant and considering your impending labor, you don't really care about what the Bible says about the subject.  But of course, being 21 weeks pregnant changes lots of things, including how you read the Bible.  And I was stunned to realize that the only "birth" story we get about Jesus pretty much reads "and she gave birth."  What?!  Was her labor long or short?  Was it especially hard or really easy?  Did she have women to help her or did Joseph have to take part (VERY UNLIKELY).  Did she have clothes to change into afterwards?  How much did he weigh? How long was he?  Was he fussy or content?  


So, I figured I'd look back at the other "birth stories" in the Bible and see if I could get any more details..
  

The birth of Isaac

"So Sarah conceived and bore a son to Abraham in his old age." (Genesis 21:2)

The birth of Jacob and Esau
"When her (Rebekah) days to be delivered were fulfilled, behold, there were twins in her womb.  Now the first came forth red, all over like a hairy garment; and they named him Esau.  Afterward his brother came forth with his hand holding on to Esau's heel, so his name was called Jacob." (Genesis 25:24-26)

The birth of Samuel
"It came about in due time, after Hannah had conceived, that she gave birth to a son." (1 Samuel 1:20)

The birth of Solomon
"Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and went in to her and lay with her; and she gave birth to a son, and he named him Solomon." (2 Samuel 12:24)

The birth of John
"Now the time had come for Elizabeth to give birth, and she gave birth to a son." (Luke 1:57)

::Sigh::

So...I've got nothing still.  The only thing even close to a description of labor that we have is when Jacob and Esau are born, and it sounds like it wasn't fun.  Both were apparently head down (remember, Jacob holding Esau's heel?) and came out pretty much right after each other, so it could have been worse.  


The question that remains, though, is why our narrator leaves out ANY description of the events themselves.  I know that a vivid play-by-play may have been a little much, but NO description leaves a lot to be desired.  Maybe its because, largely, the books were written by men who weren't culturally permitted to be present at the birth.  But surely the women passed along the stories of births to their daughters, and surely these women could have had their stories included!


I can't help but start to midrash the stories for myself, filling in the gaps to illuminate a bigger picture.  How must Sarah have felt, a weary old woman, to suddenly be in the throes of labor?  Were her handmaidens as surprised as she was to be in the birthing tent for her?  Or what about Rebekah?  Did the traumatic birth of twins leave her unable to have children afterwards?  When Solomon was about to be born, was Bathsheba torn between excitement for her new child and grief for the one who had died?  In the moments after he was born, did she hold him close and fear for his life?  I know that Hannah was filled with joy to even be pregnant, but during her labor for Samuel, do you think she thought, just for a second, "what did I sign up for?! This hurts!"  How about Elizabeth?  She must have thought of Sarah during her delivery, gripping the hands of her kinswomen tightly as she gave birth to her long-awaited son.  And Mary....how did Mary feel?  Away from family and friends, surrounded by livestock, she must have been surprised that she would deliver the Son of God in such inauspicious surroundings.  Who helped her deal with the painful contractions?  Who gave her water to drink?  Who caught her newborn son as he slipped out into the world?  Was she terrified and elated when smelly shepherds showed up for visiting hours?


I know, I know.  "The important thing is that these guys were born at all," you say.  And I agree...to a certain extent.  But to any woman who has given birth or who will give birth, the existence of a child and the way he/she arrived can hardly be separated.  The birth is a part of the journey.


Maybe thats why the Bible leaves the stories out.  Because without a description, we are forced to imagine, forced to speculate, forced to focus our minds and then the Holy Spirit sneaks in.  


Interesting Side Note: Did you know that the Qur'an has a description of the birth of Jesus?

"And the pains of childbirth drove her (Mary) to the trunk of a palm-tree: She cried (in her anguish): 'Ah! would that I had died before this! Would that I had been a thing forgotten and out of sight!' But (a voice) cried to her from beneath the (palm-tree): 'Grieve not! for thy Lord hath provided a rivulet beneath thee; And shake towards thyself the trunk of the palm-tree; it will let fall fresh ripe dates upon thee. So eat and drink and cool (thine) eye.'"

What do you think?  What do you think the birth of the Christ Child was like?

The Christmas Story via Forky

I read a very compelling Christmas post today and wanted to share with you my favorite bit.  


Preface: What the Christmas story would look like if it happened in modern day New York City.


"Bethlehem is packed with tourists. Mary and Joseph, dirty and smelly with no hotel reservations, are just another couple of faces on the sidewalk. They don't have iPods and drink coffee from the street vendor instead of Starbucks Christmas blend. There's no room at the hostel. Mary has a baby on a subway platform without drugs. They put their baby in a cardboard box after dumping out the rat droppings. And out in New Jersey, angels appear to a drag queen and a couple of Muslim taxi drivers who barely speak English. Good tidings of great joy."


To read his whole post, go here