One Month Past

Today Gareth is 20 months old - so close to two but still so much a baby.  I must admit, when anticipating Gareth's birth and listening to all of the well intentioned advice from friends and family, I fell for that line that every parent hears before their first child is born:

"My son/daughter/niece/cousin started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks!"

Well, let me tell you, my baby did NOT start sleeping through the night at 6 weeks.  Or 16 weeks.  Or 16 months.  He is STILL not sleeping through the night, though intermittently he will clock in a solid 9 hours of sleep without waking.  I'd gotten used to his sleepless nature because I had a partner to take shifts with.  When I couldn't get Gareth to go down at night, I would pass him off to Cliff and take a breather on the couch.  When Cliff had suffered with Gareth for over an hour in the middle of the night, I would slap in and do my best to calm the wild beast.  But now...now Gareth and I are the only foes who meet at bedtime.  Night, after night, after night.

Today marks a month since Cliff was sentenced and began his long stay in jail.  A month of me discovering all the things I would have to do alone.  Like cooking all the meals.  ALL of them.  And remembering to take the trash out every Friday.  EVERY FRIDAY.  And doing all the shopping, and the bill paying, and the yard work, and, and, and....

But somehow, getting Gareth to sleep is the most difficult task that I have to do alone.  And not just because I'm emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted.  But also because he has started to ask for Cliff at night - "mommy did it, mommy did it, mommy did it..."  Last night I finally figured out what he was saying.  "Gareth, do you want daddy to come in here to put you to sleep?"  ::nod::  "mommy did it."

He's right.  "mommy" (Gareth's name for Cliff) was always the best at putting him to sleep at night.  When I had done my best and Gareth was still struggling against sleep, Cliff could take him to bed and work some kind of daddy-magic and Gareth would go down within 20 minutes.  When this Mommy couldn't do it, "mommy did it."  But thats not an option anymore.

"I'm sorry Gareth, daddy isn't here."
"...NOOOOOO!"

Oh my boy, I know how you feel.

So we're one month out into this new life, this normal that I hate so much.  We're one month in and still I just can't bear the thought that I have years of months left, seemingly countless Januarys, Februarys, Junes, Octobers and more.  Years of Christmases and New Years and Valentines Days and our Wedding Anniversary, all without him, all alone, all having to explain...

"I'm sorry Gareth, daddy isn't here."

"I'm sorry, I guess you haven't heard."

"I'm sorry...."

He isn't here.

One month has past.

And he isn't here.

Choices

Gareth is 1 year and 1 week old today.  He eats anything, he enjoys juice from his sippy cups, and we are still nursing.  And have no plans to artificially wean anytime soon.

I'm getting a lot of questions lately about how long I'll nurse, and I understand.  It's certainly an abberation (at least in the Western world) to see a baby nursed past 6 months, let alone past a year.  But as people ask me when I'll stop, I can't help but want to ask them instead: Why would I?

Gareth and I are happy nursing partners.  My love language is primarily touch, so the rewards of breastfeeding are huge for me.  He is an efficient and focused eater, so I never had to endure 45 minute nursing sessions.  And he is in no nutritional danger as breastfeeding is no longer his primary nutritive source.  So again, why should I wearn him now?

Because it is time?  Says who?
Because he needs other food?  He gets it!
Because I'm spoiling him?  How?! By showing him love and tenderness?

Gareth has already weaned himself off of several of our usual nursing times.  I nurse in the morning when he wakes up, I nurse again at 2:30 before his nap, and then I nurse him to sleep at night between 7:30-8:00.  I also still nurse at night because he isn't a very good sleeper, but that's usually only once.  And already he's showing signs of weaning himself from our afternoon session.  And although that's a little sad for me, it's also extraordinary to allow him the freedom to decide, to be flexible when he "relapses" when he's sick and needs to nurse all day, to feel no pressure to move on from our partnership till he's ready.

I know that my work situation is remarkable, that I have the luxury of nursing longer because I don't have to pump (what with his daycare being down the hall from my office), that I've lucked out by avoiding all of the breastfeeding crises (infections, cracking, thrush), that I have a family of women who all nursed their babies for advice.  But that just makes me more determined to keep a hold of this blessing for as long as Gareth wants. 

So my choice is not to wean.  My choice is to continue Gareth and mine's partnership for as long as he wants.  My choice, not anyone elses.

Milestones

How old is Gareth?  Well..let's have him tell you:

I'm a Whole Year Old!

It's true! Our precious baby boy is now 1 year old, and we love him more and more.  He is pushing around his walking toys with a grin on his face, he's eating ANYTHING we put in front of him, and he is a dancing fool when music starts to play.  He is a joy.

Here are his 1 year old stats for all those interested

Head Size: 19.5in (98%)

Weight: 21lbs, 13 oz (45%)

Height: 29.5in (50%)

To sum up, he has a huge head.  The doctors measured it 3 times to make sure they had it right.

Also at the Dr.'s appointment, he had five shots, blood taken, diagnosed with bronchitis (AGAIN) and cradle cap on his FACE, and we discovered that his molars are coming in.  So....I won't be sleeping much the next couple of days.  Oh well.  It's not like it's Holy Week or something.

Happy Birthday to you Gareth!  

9 months

Here are his 9 month old stats:
95% on head size
45% on weight (19lbs 14oz)
50% on height (28 1/4 inches)
6 teeth
Crawling
Pulling up on everything
Loving his "ball-popper" toy
Generally making us laugh everyday

You're a blessing to us boy-o. We thank God for you everyday.

Baby...it's cold outside

Something to make you smile

This cutie pie is almost 8 months old (What?!), has 6 TEETH,  is "army" crawling, sitting on his own, laughing, jabbering and most of all making us love him more everyday.

Blessed...

Laughter is the best....well it's just the best

I made Gareth laugh today - which isn't an easy task.  He's quick to smile but more reticent to laugh.  Fortunately, Cliff got it recorded!  Enjoy:

6 months ago

Gareth is 6 months old now.  He's got two teeth, he grins like a fool at EVERYONE, he barrel-rolls everywhere and has wicked sharp nails that I can't seem to keep cut short enough.  He's a joy as you can tell from this picture:

No, he still doesn't sleep through the night.  We're good if he's only up once during the night - that seems like a delicious treat.  And no, I'm not a stay-at-home mom.  I still work full time as a Minister at my church and Gareth attends the daycare that is - no joke - right down the hall from me.  So, I'm still nursing full time (which is awesome) though we have started baby food.  I'm not sure Gareth is a big fan of sweet potatoes, but then again, neither am I.  I think Cliff and I have found a good balance (so far) and we're enjoying our son lots.

But that's not the reason for this post.

I realized the other day that I'd never posted a blog about the day that Gareth was born.  In thinking about that, I realized that, for me, the story of his birth is irreversibly tied up with the story of his surgery and hospital stay.  I still don't like talking about the time in the NICU, but I think now I'm in a place where I can at least talk (or write) about his birth.  So....here goes.

Gareth was due on April 30th and I was just bound and determined for him to come on time.  I planned church activities up through the Wednesday before his due date, just sure that he would respect the schedule that I'd given him.  So when I woke up the morning of the 19th, I wasn't worried.   Cliff was getting up for work (much earlier than I have to) and I was groggily listening to him get ready when I felt something...different.  (If you didn't know, pregnancy is a very graphic experience where you lose lots of bodily control that you used to have, so this next part will be kind of surprising to you if you've never had a child)

"Did I just pee a little bit?" I thought to myself.  It hadn't happened before, but I wasn't shocked if it had.  I got up and went to the bathroom, but I didn't have to "go."  So I went back to bed.  And then it happened again.  "That can't be pee"  I thought.  "So what is it......oh my.....did my water break?"   I laid in bed with a stricken look on my face and Cliff noticed.

"What's wrong?"

"........I think my water broke."

"Really?!"

"Well....at least a little.  But I'm not having contractions.  So I may have just peed.  Which is gross."

We decided then that Cliff would go to work, I would get our hospital bags ready and I would wait and see if contractions started.  He left me his IPOD which had newly downloaded contraction tracker applications on it.    So of course, the first thing I did was take a shower.  If today was going to be the day, I was sure going to be starting it off clean.  As I showered I felt cramps start and I just knew that they were contractions.  They hurt - but not too bad.  So after showering and getting dressed and then crying for a bit (HOLY CRAP I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY), I packed our bags.  And timed my contractions.  Which were, no joke, between 2 & 3 minutes apart and 45 seconds long.  ALREADY.  Everything I'd read and watched had prepared me for a long labor and for irregular contractions.  But that wasn't my game - my contractions were fast and regular from the get-go.

I called my doctor while I winced through contractions.  My OB told me to get to the hospital.  So I called Cliff and said "It's time."  He raced home, packed us into the car and started the drive to the hospital.  My contractions were still manageable but they weren't fun, so I mostly just focused on breathing while we drove to Hillcrest.  Cliff dropped me off at intake and I managed to walk on my own from registration to a preliminary intake room.  Cliff told me afterwards that a man in the registration area was surprised to find out I was in labor because I was so calm.  Luckily he didn't see me later....

Cliff wasn't allowed in the back room until I'd answered some questions that HIPPA deemed "private" and in the meantime my contractions got worse and worse, quickly peaking to the point where I thought - "WHERE'S MY DRUGS!"  My doctor came in and checked me and said "Today's the day."   That was about 8:30am.

They wheeled me into a delivery room and Cliff finally joined the party.  He called our parents to let them know the party had started and then came into the room to wait it out with me.  My boss (and pastor) Jack was in the waiting room (we'd called him on the way) and wanted to know if I was up for a visit.  By this point, I'd lost my ability to talk because the pain was SO TERRIBLE.  Even breathing regularly was a chore.  So I squeaked out a "NO! NO! NO!" My IV was finally in and I was getting fluids, but I couldn't get an Epidural until my fluids had all gone in.  Quick note to the interested: you have absolutely NO sense of time when you're in pain.

Here's the part of the story where Cliff was my hero.  He was absolutely, entirely, completely CALM.  100% zen.  Whereas I had turned into a writhing, gasping, speechless mess, Cliff transformed into a stalwart rock of comfort and strength.  He taught me how to breathe again, he helped me focus through the contractions, he kept me still when I FINALLY got my epidural....he was amazing.  I almost broke his thumb and his collarbone, but he never even got irritated.  He just moved my hand and kept helping me through it.  Finally, several hours later and after my epidural was in ....probably about 11:45, the OB checked me again.

"Guess" he said.  He was cheerful.

"I don't know....6 or 7?"  I was not cheerful.

"Nope! You're complete!"  He grinned

"WHAT?! ALREADY?"  I gaped.  I'm not sure what Cliff did.

"Yup.  We'll have this baby within the hour. "

So Cliff called my mom, who was on her way, and his mom, who was close to being there, and let them know that Gareth was going to make an appearance soon.  Both sets of parents were shocked...and so were Cliff and I.  No one expects a first baby to be a fast delivery.  And then...the moment arrived.  I started to push.

My epidural was in, but I had a hot spot - meaning I could still feel everything on my lower left side.  That hurt, but it helped me know when to push.  So I pushed...and then Cliff's mom came into the room and we hurried her onto the other side.  And she called my mother and got her on the phone so she could hear "the moment".  And I pushed maybe 4 or 5 times.  And then Gareth was there at 12:20 on April 19th.  And my mom heard his first cry, and I cried when I held him and Cliff just looked on shocked.  And they weighed him and measured and all of sudden...

We had a baby.  We were parents.

From beginning to end, my labor was only 5 hours long.  My OB called it a "dream delivery".  And that was the last day I saw my house until May 8th...

But that's another story.

5 months

Size 3 diapers
17lbs, 2oz
Slightly balding
Chews on everything
Laughs at funny voices
Pees in the bath
Wont sleep more than 4 hours at a time at night

Perfect.

We love you boy-o

Daycare

Gareth will be starting daycare on Tuesday, September 7th.
 
The daycare is actually physically inside the church where I (Elizabeth) work, and his room is not more than a couple of hundred feet from my office.  I'm getting a great discounted rate, I will still be able to nurse full-time, and Gareth will be with loving and gifted childcare specialists.  I'm very, very lucky when it comes to Gareth's childcare situation.

And I still cried when I toured the room he was going to stay in. 

I struggle with guilt over my return to work.  I know that God has called me to be a full-time minister and I don't regret that at all, but it is wild how much of a change motherhood (or parenthood in general) wreaks on you.  I feel like I've been divided in half, with only part of me able to focus on my job and the other half always wondering how Gareth is.  As my sister said, when I'm not with him, I feel like I've got a hole in my body.

Ah well...

What about you?  How did you deal with your return to work after having a baby?  Or did you decide to stay home after all?

Our Big Ole' Baby

Gareth turned four months old on August 19th and I (Elizabeth) spent much of that day remembering his birth.  It's really hard to believe that our baby boy is already 1/4 of his way to his first birthday.  It's also hard to remember life before baby...it seems like I've always been this tired

Today was the pediatrician's appointment, and here are his stats (for all of your interested parties):

Weight - 16lbs 8oz (75%)
Height - 26.55in (90%)
Had Circumference - 17.5in (90%)

As my mother said, "Good! We need a tall braniac in the family!"

Gareth got four shots and one oral vaccine today, so we're 4 needle pricks closer to never getting polio and that's a good thing.  And surprisingly, I didn't cry this time when he got his shots...I think that may be a sign I'm healing from the trauma of his surgery and subsequent stay in the NICU.

Gareth is still waking up a lot at night.  His longest stretch is usually from 9ish to around 1:45am and then he's up every two hours (or shorter if I'm honest).  That's tough.  To all of you moms who have babies that sleep - please, don't tell me about it.  Just say something supportive and sympathetic instead.  I'll love you forever.  I know that one day he will sleep through the night, and that this can't last forever, but it's been 4 months since I got more than 5 hours of sleep...so it seems like its already lasted forever!

Gareth is generally pretty stoic and serious, though he does smile when talked to and will laugh at funny noises you make.  He enjoys his bathtime (I think) by splashing most of the water out of the tub.  That cracks me up, and you can see the video posted below.  He likes to be held, and generally wants to see what's going on in the world, which means we spend a lot of our time walking around with him.  He even went with Cliff and I to the Baylor Church Fair and he got to meet over 3000 incoming freshman.  You'd think all of that noise (and heat) would have gotten to him, but he was a champ.

I think Cliff and I have adjusted well to parenthood.   I'm discovering how conflicted one can be as a parent and as a minster (how priorities readjust!), and Cliff is pining for the day when Gareth will walk and talk, but otherwise we're good.

Now I realize that you're really looking for new pictures of Gareth, so I'll update this post later with some.  Till then...

Cousins

Gareth and Tristan finally met.  What cuties!

The 2 Month Report

Gareth is now 2 months old.  He had his 2 month appointment at the pediatrician's office and we got all of his most current stats.  As of today he is:

13lbs exactly (80 percentile)
24in long (80 percentile)
And has a 16.5in diameter head (80 percentile)

Dr. Kemper said that he has big hands and feet and that he might be a big boy one day.  That would be very surprising!

Then, of course, Gareth had to get his 2 month old vaccinations.  Which turned out to be 5 SHOTS.  5!  Thankfully, Cliff was with me and he dealt with all the needle business.  And true to form, Gareth cried for maybe 1 second after each shot and then smiled like nothing had happened to him.  I still cried, of course.

Here is our precious baby boy:

We're so thankful to have a healthy and happy baby boy.  2 months down, a million wonderful days to go!

Mischief...

Ooh that grin.  We're in for some fun times I think...

For your enjoyment...

Since Gareth was born, we've heard lots of people's opinions on who he looks like.  The majority of folks tell us that he looks like Cliff, but Cliff and I have remained skeptical.  He just looks like a baby to us.  Well..until yesterday that is.  We're at Cliff's parent's house for Memorial Day and I asked to see some of his baby pictures, and after sifting through dozens, I (Elizabeth) have to admit that Gareth is pretty much the spitting image of his dad.  Don't believe me?  Check Cliff out:

It looks like I lost this time in the genetic lottery.  Ah well...

Believe it or not: Gareth is already one month old!

Wow.

It's been one month since our son was born.

One month filled with joy, surprise, heartbreak, despair, love and fear.  

Thank you once again for all your prayers, love and friendships.  You've made this month easier for all three of us.  We're looking forward to our future with anticipation and hope - sure that God is with us!

We love you Gareth Alexandre. 

Introducing

Congratulations to my (Elizabeth) sister Arwen & her husband Paul!
Their baby boy, Tristan Ripley Rimmer, was born yesterday at 6:19am.  He was 6lbs and 19.5 inches long.

Gareth is excited to share lots of fun times with you - we can't wait to meet you beautiful boy!

Another Update: Good News

We're being released from the hospital today (May 8th)! PRAISE GOD!

Gareth approves this message.

How Things Stand

Much has happened since my last blog post about Gareth, so I'll try to be thorough and concise.
--
Gareth went in for surgery on Thursday morning around 9:15.  The purpose of the surgery was two-fold: to sever the connection between the esophagus and trachea and to attach the two disconnected portions of Gareth's esophagus.  Cliff drew some pictures of this on his i-pod touch to illustrate for our family.  They are below - the first one is how Gareth's esophagus was originally, and the second is how it normally looks (and looks now after surgery).  Notice the top portion of the esophagus ended in a pouch and the bottom portion connected to the trachea.

Here was the difficulty - there was no way for the surgeons to know if Gareth had enough esophageal tissue to connect the separated portions until they were already in surgery.  Thus, if there wasn't enough, they would only sever the connection between the esophagus and trachea and then do a procedure to begin the stretching of the esophagus.  This would prolong our stay in the NICU, as Gareth would still be unable to eat and would have to wait for another surgery to connect the two ends - probably a month later.  So, you can see how stressed we were when Gareth went into surgery; we wouldn't know what our future held until the surgeon came out afterwards.

At about 1:15pm, the surgeon called us into a conference room and gave us the wonderful news that they'd been able to connect the esophageal ends with no difficulty.  He said, in fact, that our son has a great anatomy.  That wasn't a joking phrase either - we'd only recently discovered that Gareth's condition is part of a syndrome that usually includes heart problems, renal problems, spinal malformations, missing bones or hand digits and even rectal problems.  Fortunately, Gareth had none of these associated problems - we've heard our doctors on rounds say things like "oh, Gareth...he'll be fine.  He only had one problem!"

So what happens next?

Well...blessedly...we just wait.  Gareth's esophagus has to heal before we can do any oral feedings (whether by bottle or breast), so the surgical team will do a "dye test" on this coming Thursday to see if there are any "leaks" at the surgical site.  If that goes well (and by well I mean, no leaks), then we can do oral feedings, his chest tube will come out and probably his central line.  At that point, the goal will be to successfully feed, burp and soil diapers and then we'll be able to go home.  That could be next weekend or it could be a couple of days afterwards, it's really up to the doctors.  When we know more, we'll let you know.

Now we're just sitting around watching him improve.  He is no longer receiving any antibiotics or pain medication, he has increasing amounts of breast-milk fed through his NG tube (a tube that goes directly to his stomach), his hep-lock ports in his hand and foot have been removed, his catheter is out as is his ventilator, he has stopped receiving photo-therapy for jaundice, and he can be touched and handled without gloves or protective gear.  We still can't hold him (b/c of the chest tube), but that day is coming.

This last week has been at times glorious and horrific, terrifying and exhilarating.  But through it all, we are thankful to you for all your kind words and prayers.  It has been moving to stand by our son's bedside and know that the community of saints and the spirit of God is surrounding us.

Introducing

Gareth Alexandre Grasham-Reeves

Born on 4/19/2010 at 12:22pm

Weight: 8lb, 2oz

Height: 20in

Yes..he was born 11 days early.

Yes, I (Elizabeth) was only in labor for four hours

And Cliff was my salvation during contractions.

I'll tell the story in more detail later.